Well, it seems everything’s in place. Visas issued – very pretty full page stamp in the passports. Phones, internet, television (don’t want to miss the football, do we?) all set up. Even worked out how to buy stamps.  And no, it isn’t easy: first find the post office in a dark corner of a glitzy shopping mall, then join a queue, then leave the queue to take a numbered ticket because everyone else has one, then join the queue again at the end, then listen politely with fixed smile as the Singaporean guy behind me mutters ‘look at these queues typical of Malaysia mutter mutter mutter’, then, finally, get to the front of the queue. To be told that it’s the wrong queue. Join another queue, no number required this time. Finally get to front of queue. Wait as each card is carefully weighed. And then, at last, success! buy some stamps. They’re very pretty by the way, with flowers or orang utans on them.

So, all organised. Even setting up bank accounts wasn’t too bad. Admittedly one lot of money we tried to transfer from England went on a little world tour for two weeks before deciding that the tropical climate would make its ink run, and taking itself back to England. But that all got sorted out and some more adventurous cash is now enjoying its new home in a Malaysian bank vault (or maybe a computer file, I’m not sure).

However, (and there’s always a ‘however’, isn’t there) there is one Major Problem with our financial affairs here. I suppose it’s a security thing – the system’s set up to notify the account holder by text every time money is spent on a debit card. ‘Bit of a pain, but OK’, I thought when I heard this, ‘we’ll get used to it’. Bit of a pain? Ha! it’s a disaster! The system sends a text, yes, but to Fred’s mobile! Yes, every time I use my card he knows not only where, but how much! it’s a scandal, an infamy, a disgrace. And yes I did call the bank about it and no there isn’t anything they can do to stop it. They have computers with brains the size of planets, they have algorithms coming out of their ears, they can crunch megabytes of data in seconds, digest it and spit it out. And they can’t add a second mobile number to an account and link it to a card.

And they wonder why no-one loves them….